Credits
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Kkz, decided to blog despite the fact that im not feeling well as in not sick that kind...not feeling well emotionally lol...YAY! emo period...but i'll be fine after awhile...i guess? have to depends on things that goes around me. I tend to get childish when im emo lol...sad to say...but yar...i wish i could grow out of this fast if not whats the point of being childish sia...
Im kind of alittle crazy right now...got a kind of want-to-explode feeling inside me...so im trying to explode it out...cause i dun feel good when it is stuck inside me...lolx see whose the unlucky person that would be calling my handphone lor...sure kenna scolding by me...but the next time i meet him will treat drinks la lol...xin ku le ar...lol...but atleast can get drinks from me right...lol.
This exploding feeling is making me alittle high...oh ya...i still remembered around 2 years back i had this anger management problem...but ofcouse now its so much better la...and ya...everytime i get angry, i'll launch the demon inside me...and when i say demon, i really mean it. I'll turn into a different person and gives everybody a hard time lol...cause they had to like pin me down and pray for me...i dunno wad i should call it...hm...demon-possesed?
Its like an animal that is cage inside me...and everytime i get angry, i'll open the cage myself and the animal would come and take over me...sounds ridiculous rite? lol well my church friends and cousins experienced it before...they find it ridiculous too i think...how can christian get control by demon? hm i dunno also leh...unless the christian allow it to happen? Atfirst it was not so bad...cause i can choose whether to allow that thing to come out...but the more i allow it, the more i cant control it and it got worst. It tends to come out frequently and my mood, my behaviour, my actions and my expression would start to change. I'll get very umcomfortable whenever i hear a Pastor speaking or the Word of God and i will just run out of church...it happened many times before...then my cousins would come out and drag me in again and start praying for me lol. Kkz, if anyone finds it ridiculous or dont believe me, you can stop reading...as if im pointing a gun at you.
First my right hand would start to shake by itself...thats something like a 'warning' to show that its coming out, after that before i know it, it gets control over me and i turn violent. i would start hitting floor and walls, something hard to vent my anger...but the problem is i dont even know wad im angry about...its just the kind of explosion feeling. And the amazing part is that i wont feel any pain...lol...how nice if i use it on human rite? =xx. It usually happens for quite a long time...depending on how well the person is praying for me lol. And when im done venting or should i say, when that 'thing' stops, i'll get very very tired and weak...so weak that i cant even move.
It only occurs either in church or when my church friends are around...but there was once, it happened in school. I was angry with one of my classmate cause he was sitting behind me but kept disturbing me...was very irritated but he dont know. And my right hand starts to shake...but i really did not want it to happen...cause i know in school no one can pray for me...and after awhile, that thing took over. I turned back, hold my hand on his table and i threw the whole thing at him...lolx and he flew backwards on his chair...thank God hes not seriously injured...and that 'thing' stopped after that...phew...lucky it did not continue...my classmates were stund to see me acting this way...cause all along im the gentle kind de =p.
This 'thing' bothered me for like 5-6 months...until 1 day, a Pastor from some country came to our church to give a sermon...and when he gave the altar call and again, my cousins drag me to the front and the pastor prayed for me...and ofcouse i struggled cause the 'thing' inside me doesnt want to go to the front...and the pastor prayed for me. I became fine after that day...but also because of that day, my whole church know i got this problem..except my parents cause they wont in church that day...so heng lol...lucky they never see their own son turning into something else.
Haix...cant deny the fact that im missing you now. But at the same time im also confused...im confused if we should still continue cause im totally not a good guy...my weaknesses and bad points make me sucks and i feel that i dun deserve you? thats y im always asking if u still wanna continue. Despite all these can u still love me? wanted to tell you that i really enjoyed going out with u yesterday...love my every moment spent with you...
29o1o7 <3. still loving you.
9:55 AM